To Yellowstone & Back Again

Just came home from a quick vacation in Yellowstone. I've been there several times and wanted Rover to see it. What a gorgeous place. It has been such a long time that I've been in the mountains and in the wilderness. At first, as we drove in after our long drive across the Nevada desert and through Idaho, I didn't even notice the beauty of the rivers and meadows as we made our way into the Park and to our hotel. By the next morning, however, as the sun made its way up over the hills and as the rivers began to glisten in the new light, I began to take in the views in a different way. Awesome beauty. The whole park, the whole place is just stunning. What a treat to see the wild animals wandering around peacefully in their element. At one point, and through binoculars, I watched a coyote running across a grassland. It stopped up short and sniffed the ground, turning in circles as it sniffed the grass. Did it lose its prey to a hiding hole in the ground? I'll never know, but it was great fun to watch.

I'm home now, still on vacation, relaxing the best I can during my busy days. I am happy. Content. Loving life. I love Rover more and more each day. Cherish him. And my love is returned by him ten fold. It is still amazing to me that things have turned out this way. Who'd have thunk it, indeed.

Well, I've got to get moving. Time sure passes by quickly.

See ya.

Been A Long Time

Hi Blog. Gosh, it's been such a long time since I've posted. I've thought about it, but I'm so, so busy anymore and I haven't really felt the urge to put my thoughts onto paper.

Life is pretty good. I'm hardly home now, which drives me a little nuts. I've been trying to work some over time when I can, then there's the volunteer stuff with my ALS friend, then there's trips with Rover and god knows what other things. My house is messy. I hate that, but I just don't have the time to keep things organized. It really helps to have the maid come monthly.

* * * * * *

Things with Rover are still going. Unfortunately, I don't quite know how to keep the momentum going in the happiest of fashions. I can be so negative and doom and gloom. Somehow, after all the pain and suffering through my divorce and possibly from the rocky beginnings of this relationship, I've lost faith. I no longer believe in "forever" or even in longevity of relationships (for me), and I've convinced myself things just won't last.

It is therefore no surprise that we've begun bickering and that I am beginning to feel "unhappy" in the relationship. Trouble is, there's nothing wrong with the relationship. Rover's completely awesome, in love, committed. I, however, have been slowly shutting down. I feel disconnected from him and can't even really remember the last time I enjoyed having sex. I certainly can't remember the last time I climaxed with him.

He talks about getting old together, living together, how "you can't leave" and how "he's not going to let me go,"... but I don't believe any of it. When I told him I'd been thinking about marriage, he told me it was out of the question for him and then he began saying, "I'm going to lose you aren't I?" That he would let me go instead of marrying me proves to me that he would let me go. Besides, who am I to marry anyone? We've talked of living together, but we don't. It's not practical and he's never going to give up his place in the City anyway, so.... He says his plan is to remodel the house in Santa Rosa and that we'll live there, but I don't foresee that plan coming to fruition within the next five years, so....

I just don't feel capable of holding a relationship together after a certain point. It's pathetic, really. My max is 7 years, and we're at 5, so this is the natural winding down time.

And I feel it. The lack of excitement, luster. The apathy that is settling in and around my heart and head.

I've convinced myself it will come to an inevitable end.

Self-fulfilling prophesy? Possibly.

So that's why I called Headshrinker for an appointment.

I don't want this relationship to end. It's really a good one. But I need help, because my tools don't work. I need some new tools. I need a new map.

Hellllllllp!

Addictions

Strawberries are in season again. I'm working on a $7.00/day habit. Yum!

Today I started some "volunteer" work with a fellow who used to be my boss. He's just a few years older than I am, and he used to be one of those tall, blonde, good looking guys who seemed to get ahead in life based on his smile. He came down with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) several years ago and is now in a wheelchair. I contacted him through his ALS website/blog a few months back and have been in contact with his sister. Finally, he asked if I would help him manage his email, as he is no longer able to type. So I went over today and helped him answer his mail. He has aged more than normal, but he is still the same guy. I'll help him for a while until.... I don't know. I guess I'll help him until he doesn't need me anymore or until he's dead??? Gosh.

* * *
Life with me remains great. Rover and I are wonderfully happy. Life continues to come together. I am blessed.

That's about it. Just wanted to check in.

The More I Change, The More Things Stay The Same

Haven't been writing (or reading other's posts) lately. Sorry. Just been too busy. Haven't been inspired.

Also, I injured my neck at a fire and my thumb, index and middle fingers of my right hand have been numb for going on six weeks now. Thought I should lay off the typing, as it exacerbates things some.

Just got back from a trip to NYC with Rover, his friends and their three kids. Nice trip, altho it's difficult traveling in a pack of seven. Nonetheless, we had a great time together.

I'm feeling so good anymore. Healthy. I'm definitely not depressed. Haven't been in so long. The periods of melancholy I sometimes feel grow shorter and are farther apart. I am productive. I am thriving.

Work's a bitch tho. I find it a constant source of irritation. At times, it brings me down and chips away at my confidence. But I wear the golden handcuffs willingly, and so I cannot really complain.

Rover and I are fantastic. Better and better with each day. Our love is one I have never known. I have begun to let him in more and more, to give more of myself to him. I have made some great strides where love is concerned. I have been a bit stingy with it in the past. I am doing my best to give back what he is giving me.

And here's a surprise: Rover and I have the healthiest, most mature relationship I've even been in. Very odd considering our shaky beginnings. This year marks our fifth year together and I am more in love with him than ever. I have never experience a love like this one which renews itself over and over and gets better all the time.

That's about it, really. I think about blogging from time to time. I think about you O.K. and hope all is well. I apologize for not reading or writing more often. Justin, I still think about you and hope you are in a better place, that things for you are coming together as they have come together for me. Drop me a line some time.

TTFN.

Fixed Like a Dog

Well, Rover had his vasectomy on Thursday. No more puppies for him. He's been convalescing on my couch for the last 2 days and he's doing well--no complications so far.

We're both looking forward to the days of no birth control.

Meanwhile, his being laid out on my couch had given me the opportunity to get some things done around the house. Yesterday I tended to my much-neglected back yard, pulling weeds and turning the soil. The new tidiness of it has inspired me to get some plants in the ground this year instead of letting the plot remain empty. I haven't been tending to it, because we were going to build a small sitting wall, but it doesn't really look as if that's going to happen any time soon. Besides, if I'm going to rent the house out when I move in with Rover, it makes little sense to pour money into hardscaping when I can just put in some large containers as well as stuff on the ground. Rover also suggested I put some hanging pots on the posts we put in last year; a fine idea. I have a couple of picutes from some magazines on what kinds of plants I'd like. I just have to find them and put them in the ground.

* * * *
My birthday's coming up on Thursday. 41. Wows. Moving right along, aren't I.

Aside from that, nothing new to report. Gotta get going. Lost an hour last night and it's getting late.

Plumb Tuckered

I'm having a difficult time recovering from the two fires I went two over the last couple of shifts. I worked two in a row and had two fires in a row--not so common now-a-days. I was fine after the first one, even though I was working from before 6 a.m. until at least 11:30 a.m.; but the second one, which came in at 1:45 in the morning and kept us up and shoveling garbage until well after 4:00, knocked me out.

I had one day off in between and then went back to work yesterday. I slept most of my day off, had a nap at work yesterday and slept most of the night. However, while I awoke at the firehouse at 6:30 this morning feeling okay, by the time I got home I was dragging and just got up from a three-hour nap.

Still don't feel much better. And my hands are aching something fierce!

I need some good food or something. We're supposed to go out and have a drink tonite, but I don't think it's such a good idea. I'm just getting old I guess and don't recover like I used to. Who knows. I've been working a lot lately, perhaps that has something to do with it.

That's it for now. I have to get going.

I Come From Alabama

Just got back from an all-expense-paid week in Alabama, compliments of our Federal Government. I took an Emergency Incident Management Systems class. It was dry but interesting. Can't say much for what I saw of Alabama, however, not that I saw much.

* * * *
Life is good. Stable. Calm.

I'm back into a groove: taking classes again, working some overtime, exercising with consistency, feeling present and able to concentrate.

* * * *
Menopause is treating me very well. Absolutely no mood swings. That's the most important element. Unfortunately, my libido leave something to be desired, and then there are the hot flashes.

Hot flashes. My god! For anyone who knows what I'm talking about, imagine what it's like to have a hot flash while wearing full fire-fighting bunker gear--which is already like wearing a blanket--with gloves, a hood which fits closely around one's neck and over one's head and then a helmet. Talk about heat exhaustion! For those of you who can't imagine, consider yourselves lucky.

* * * *
Rover has begun renovations on his rental property. His aim is to have it finished in three to four years. He has asked me to come live with him. He has also stated that at some point in time before he retires we should become domestic partners so I'm entitled to collect part of his pension after he dies.

He says he's in this for the long haul. Last night he promised he'd never break my heart.

It makes me happy to hear him talk like that. Still, I remain skeptical. I don't believe or trust much in the future or in promises such as his. I've just been through it too many times to have that kind of faith. But his sentiments are lovely and for now we can go through the motions of planning for a future together. I will continue to live my life for today, not for tomorrow. I can't do that anymore. After divorcing RacerEx, after all the hurt and depression, after the struggle and sadness of coming up with Rover, I am a little damaged, a little wary. I am not bitter. Like I said, I just don't believe anymore.

Anyhow, off to Starbucks.

Hummin'

It's all roses. That's all I have to say.

Jolly Holiday

Well, I had a roaring good time with Rover and the Pig in Arizona! We went to the Barrett Jackson car auction, drank, ate, swam, hot tubbed, etc. On the last night, we went clubbing. Rover and I danced several dances, and we all drank just a tad bit too much, but it was all in good fun. We took a cab back to the hotel, where Rover and I fooled around like teenagers while the Pig passed out and snored like a freight train in the next bed. Really, it was a great trip.

I'm really happy right now. Extremely happy with Rover. Very content with my life in general.

Today, and all week, I am taking a fire-related course, and then I have at least one or more scheduled each month for the next four months. I've also enrolled in an on-line bookkeeping class, so I should be productively busy for a while.

My back has healed and as soon as this class is over I can hit the gym again. I need to get back into a routine. (I always say that; it's always true.)

I haven't yet heard whether or not I will get the temporary promotion/assignment to the 911 Center, but rumor has it I am the most qualified for the position. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll get the post, but it's nice to hear that I'm at least the most qualified. At this point, I don't care if I get the position or not. It would just be nice to know.

Back to Rover.... Things are moving along so well. I'm more comfortable with him than ever and feel more in love in a way I never imagined. I know I've said that RacerEx was the love of my life, but I'm beginning to believe that this relationship will surpass any other I've had, if it hasn't already. We really seem in sinc with one another--at least emotionally. He makes me feel so good. I hope I do the same for him. It's so unexpected. I can't get over how far we've come, how much our love has deepened and our relationship has matured. Our rapport suits me perfectly, and we are more committed to one another than ever.

Still, neither of us wants marriage. Me less so than ever. I'm honestly very secure with where I am in my life. I like my autonomy just as I'm sure he likes his.

So I'm good, really, really good.

* * * *
Lupron hasn't really taken effect I think. I am bleeding again, more heavily than ever, soaking thru heavy protection in an hour or less for the last two days. I need to go back to the internet and do more research to see if this is normal in the first month. Otherwise, I need to call my OB/Gyn. Grrrr! Stinks being a woman some times.

Anyhow, that's the low down. Gotta go do some homework. Bye.

From One Day to the Next

Well, I'm out of my emotionless phase. I think.

Conversations with Rover have been a bit strained, as I've been moody. He was saying that it didn't seem as if I wanted to hang out with him, to be around him. That's not exactly true. I've just been feeling isolated and moody and out of sorts, and I just have felt withdrawn into my pain (back) and somewhat flat. I'm sorry to make him feel as if I don't enjoy his company. That's not it at all; I'm just not feeling well and need some space to get back on track.

Back is better today. At least the pain is localized and feels more like muscle soreness than like someone's sticking a hot poker in my sacrum.

Flu's over too. Thank god. I hate stomach flus.

Anyhow, I've been cooking up a storm lately (at least it's a storm for me). I made the most delicious Chicken and Dumplings at work the other day. I'd never had them before and they were fan-frickin'-tastic. Home-made dumplings, too.

My room is a mess, with clothing strewn all over the floor as I'm trying to figure what to pack for Arizona. It's cold there right now, too. Not much warmer than it is here. Funny. It's been pretty darned cold here but I haven't really been wearing my big coat too often. I think it's because there's so little wind.

As RacerEx's grandma Merna used to say, "Any day's a good day that the wind isn't blowing."

How true.

Blank

So I thought I was going to be okay with the whole menopause thing, but I think it is affecting me. I've been a bit out of sorts the last few days--crabby and frustrated by little things. I've also been feeling a bit emotionless. I don't know if that has to do with the Lupron or with the cessation of the Effexor. Why do I always endeavor to make multiple changes at one time? I should have kept up with the Effexor through the course of Lupron. I took one yesterday (Effexor), and think I might keep up a small dose; the problem is I've misplaced my last refill and don't know if the pharmacy will give me another refill before the next one is due. Certainly there must be something they can do for me to tide me over 'til then.

The lack of emotion has been making me feel somewhat isolated and disconnected. I've spent the better part of the week on my own, as Rover and I are on opposite schedules this week, and I like my solitude. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little cramped by Rover. I just need some space. I won't see him again until tomorrow so that should give me time to get back to normal. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow. Until then, I'm enjoying my time and space.

Aside from that, things are pretty good. The flu helped me lose a little weight, flatten my stomach a bit and get me inspired to keep going by eating right. I didn't have any bread at dinner the other night, and I have to make something good to eat for tonight lest I snack the evening away like I did last night.

That's about it.

Flu

So my back has been out, so to speak. Only it hasn't been out in the way I'm used to it going out. Nothing seemed to relieve the stiffness--neither ibuprofen nor ice nor heat. But then yesterday I started with the vomiting and the diarrhea. Perhaps my back thing was viral? Hard to know. Anyhow, I lost 6 pounds in a day and a half, and I'm finally on the mend. And my back feels better. Go figure. Was it just rest or was it this flu thing?

Menopause is great so far. Maybe I should just keep taking the shots. Just kidding. But I'm not moody or anything. Perhaps that has something to do with being off the pill? Could be. Anyhow, I don't think I want to go back on it.

That's all for now.

Take Pause

I had my first Lupron shot last week. Welcome to forced menopause. Thought I'd be crabby, but I'm not. So far, so good.

* * * *
I did something to my back and am home bed bound. I worked two days in a row at the firehouse yesterday and the day before, which didn't help at all. I'm due back tomorrow. Hope it's better then. It's difficult for me to lie around all day long, but I'd better get back to my book... and my ice... and my heating pad. Grrrr!

Reasons

Today as I walked YellowDog around the bird refuge, I felt thankful.

I am thankful that my body is whole, that I have not injured my back over the last two years I spent working the ladder truck.

I am thankful to be returning to the Engine.

I am thankful for Rover, for the love he bestowes on me.

I am thankful for Mom, that she is alive and that we are so close. She is a good friend.

I am thankful for my time off. I have so much of it. I am lucky.

I am thankful for my friends. I have only a few of them, but they are wonderful women.

I am thankful for RacerEx. He was the love of my life, and I am lucky to have experienced that, even if we are no longer together in that way. Some people never experience it. Trite but true: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

That's all.

Begin the Begin

New Year's Day.

I've been feeling the need to start a new blog, and today seems like the right time.

Things are really good with me now. Very steady. Something clicked over the holidays and I feel as if I'm finally on a stable and secure course.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I started a diet a couple of days ago. It's difficult to watch what I eat at the firehouse, especially on days like today when I've been detailed to a different station and the cook has choosen pasta, pasta, and more pasta for lunch and dinner; but in those instances I can just eat less and then get the hell out of the kitchen and away from temptation.

Yesterday at work I did light cardio for an hour while I watched a movie on my laptop. It's a great way to work out. I also started lifting again, lightly. Today I'll do more, since this station has a pretty complete gym.

* * * *
I went home for Christmas. It was a pretty nice holiday. Rover flew down on the 26th and we spent the next five days together. We're doing really, really well. Something changed after the baby talk. He still doesn't want to have children, but it was a discussion which had a big impact on him. For the first time, I really feel as if we're really in sync emotionally. And I think I feel more comfortable with and committed to him.

I look at our relationship: how clandestine its beginning, how rocky it was in 2005, and then how nicely it has blossomed over 2006. I've never been in a relationship that has developed so oddly, and so slowly. I think slow is a good thing.

He told me he wants to be good to me (and he has been), and that he's so sorry about how he has treated me in the past, that he knows he hurt me and that he hates thinking about that.

I still have some creeping doubts, but I am trying to keep them at bay.

* * * *
I have applied for a new post at work. It is a lieutenant's (management) position at the 911 center (desk job) with an 18-month committment. I hope I get it (I think). I have been with the fire department for over 11 years now and there has not been one promotional exam!!! The reason for no exams is all the affirmative action controversy that has taken place over the years and the inability of our union to agree with the civil service commission about the results of any exam. Anyhow, I want a promotion. It's time for me to move along, and if this is the only way I can do it, then it is the only way I can do it. I want change. I'll take it in this form (for now).

* * *
Thus begins 2007. Seems like a decent start to me.