Friday, May 30, 2008


Well, the warm, fuzzy glow of the potential nuptials is fading as doubt seeps back in. There's no proposal coming. It's just not in his nature. I know he meant what he said, and he's not running from the idea, but he's not going to ask me to marry him without my pressing it, and I just don't feel like pressuring someone into marrying me.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A Day of Thanksgiving

But first, about me... (ha, ha).

Today I took my promotional exam--the first one given to our rank by our department in 11 years.

And I think I did okay. I made some mistakes that I'm aware of. I also probably made some mistakes that I'm unaware of; but, all in all, save for a few moments here and there when I struggled to formulate strategy and words from a frozen, blank brain (so my pencil just had to take over on its own and write out of sheer habit), I think I did well. Maybe even well enough to get the promotion. Yeah. Maybe.

But who knows?

I think my responses and mistakes matched my experience and the amount of time I put into studying, so that seems fair to me. It could go either way. I'm young in my career, probably just a journeyman, but I'm no probie either.

We'll see.

So, anyhow, I'm thankful today for all the people who helped me prepare for the exam: Rover, Fatty, SoberWolf, RamboMan, and MsB-Ball (who just found out she's pregnant, yay). And shout outs to OtherMother for coming in to work for me last night at the last minute. Without you all, I could not have come this far or felt this comfortable.

I called each of them and thanked them.

And dork of all dorks I have become: I actually liked sitting there all damn day long talking about fire scenarios and tactics. I think I might actually miss it. Who knew I was such a "fire jackoff," as they're (we're) called. Okay, "Fire Buff" is a nicer word.... But I'm not really a buff, I'm just a dork.

A tired dork.

But I'm too wired to nap or sit idle, so I'm going to go clean up the dining room, which is strewn with papers and study materials (and eraser dust).


Friday, May 16, 2008

I'm Getting Married!!!

Well, not technically, but allow me my rare moment of optimistic self-delusion.

Here's the scoop. I've been thinking a lot about getting married lately--did I mention that both RacerX and HotLips got married last month? Not that that has anything to do with it..., well, perhaps a little bit....and Rover and I have been together six years now (can you believe it?!)...

Anyhow, so I've been thinking about where I am and where Rover and I are; and I realized that I actually want to be married, that I like being married. I like the security of it; I like building a life with someone; I like being obligated to and responsible for someone; I like all of it. Marriage means something to me.

The problem is, I'm with someone who doesn't "believe in marriage" and who doesn't want to get married. Knowing that, I've been struggling internally and feeling and acting crabbier and a somewhat distant from Rover. Unsuccessfully, I've been trying to suppress a resentment towards him that keeps seeping into my psyche and making me feel depressed. Resentful because I want something I know he doesn't want and suppressing it as best I can because it's not fair for me to resent something that he's been honest and open about since the get go.

But I still want it. Marriage. To be married. Ideally to Rover. If not, well, I guess to someone else eventually.

And so it hit me: I guess it's going to have to be to someone else.

I've been sitting on that realization for a while now, a week or so, I guess. But the other night, when he was working he told me that because of the heatwave the "natives were restless" and there had been some shootings in his first-alarm area. As we said goodnight on the phone, I said to him, "Please don't get shot out there."

With that, it hit me really hard that if he were to get shot or drop dead for any reason, it would be as if he had never been in my life, that my life would continue on as if we'd never gone out, save for a box of clothes and an empty chest of drawers belonging to him that is sitting in my garage. That's what you get when you're "just dating" someone. You don't get to visit them in the hospital when they're sick without permission from family, you don't get to make medical decisions for them, you don't get surviving spouse benefits. You get nothing. You're just like anyone else.

And that's not what I want from him. From my guy. I want, and it's taken me a long time to be able to admit this, to be taken care of. I want to know that I'm a part of his life and recognized by society as someone who matters, as someone who counts. I want that protection and that power. I want the remnants. I want it all.

And so I told him. Not vaguely, in the roundabout way I've told him in the past. I just said it.

When he asked me last night during a lull in our conversation, "What are you thinking about?"

I said, "I think you should marry me."

And instead of getting defensive or angry or huffy or whatever he's done in the past when we've talked about it....

He wrapped his arms and legs around me, smiled and said, "That doesn't surprise me," and he hugged me even harder and more completely.

And I didn't say anything for a while until he said, "I love you and I want to be with you and I guess I'm just going to have to marry you some day."

And I started to cry and was very happy. And I am.

So I'm not engaged, there's no ring and no date, and he didn't ask me to marry him. But I know him, and he means what he said. So I'm going to savor this moment for now, for a while. Because I need to and I want to. And I believe him and I love him and I'm happy.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Ah Justin,

And how does one get ahold of you? Your blog's defunct and there's no place to post comments. You still working at the university? Still a student there? Still have cats? Still single?


Sunday, May 4, 2008

Peanut Butter Cookie Dough

Frozen, that is. I just ate about 12 frozen cookie dough cookies and I feel like I want to vomit.

Gotta get that stuff out of my house. Hate to throw it in the garbage. Perhaps I'll just bake it tomorrow and bring it over to Red's house. Yep. They've got kids. They'll eat it.

Studying coming along. Spent three hours at it today. Not enough, really, but it's something.

I'm hungry now, but too sick to eat. Wonder if I'll wake up starving in the middle of the night.

And I was doing so well.