Sunday, August 12, 2007

Been A Long Time

Hi Blog. Gosh, it's been such a long time since I've posted. I've thought about it, but I'm so, so busy anymore and I haven't really felt the urge to put my thoughts onto paper.

Life is pretty good. I'm hardly home now, which drives me a little nuts. I've been trying to work some over time when I can, then there's the volunteer stuff with my ALS friend, then there's trips with Rover and god knows what other things. My house is messy. I hate that, but I just don't have the time to keep things organized. It really helps to have the maid come monthly.

* * * * * *

Things with Rover are still going. Unfortunately, I don't quite know how to keep the momentum going in the happiest of fashions. I can be so negative and doom and gloom. Somehow, after all the pain and suffering through my divorce and possibly from the rocky beginnings of this relationship, I've lost faith. I no longer believe in "forever" or even in longevity of relationships (for me), and I've convinced myself things just won't last.

It is therefore no surprise that we've begun bickering and that I am beginning to feel "unhappy" in the relationship. Trouble is, there's nothing wrong with the relationship. Rover's completely awesome, in love, committed. I, however, have been slowly shutting down. I feel disconnected from him and can't even really remember the last time I enjoyed having sex. I certainly can't remember the last time I climaxed with him.

He talks about getting old together, living together, how "you can't leave" and how "he's not going to let me go,"... but I don't believe any of it. When I told him I'd been thinking about marriage, he told me it was out of the question for him and then he began saying, "I'm going to lose you aren't I?" That he would let me go instead of marrying me proves to me that he would let me go. Besides, who am I to marry anyone? We've talked of living together, but we don't. It's not practical and he's never going to give up his place in the City anyway, so.... He says his plan is to remodel the house in Santa Rosa and that we'll live there, but I don't foresee that plan coming to fruition within the next five years, so....

I just don't feel capable of holding a relationship together after a certain point. It's pathetic, really. My max is 7 years, and we're at 5, so this is the natural winding down time.

And I feel it. The lack of excitement, luster. The apathy that is settling in and around my heart and head.

I've convinced myself it will come to an inevitable end.

Self-fulfilling prophesy? Possibly.

So that's why I called Headshrinker for an appointment.

I don't want this relationship to end. It's really a good one. But I need help, because my tools don't work. I need some new tools. I need a new map.