Hummin'

It's all roses. That's all I have to say.

Jolly Holiday

Well, I had a roaring good time with Rover and the Pig in Arizona! We went to the Barrett Jackson car auction, drank, ate, swam, hot tubbed, etc. On the last night, we went clubbing. Rover and I danced several dances, and we all drank just a tad bit too much, but it was all in good fun. We took a cab back to the hotel, where Rover and I fooled around like teenagers while the Pig passed out and snored like a freight train in the next bed. Really, it was a great trip.

I'm really happy right now. Extremely happy with Rover. Very content with my life in general.

Today, and all week, I am taking a fire-related course, and then I have at least one or more scheduled each month for the next four months. I've also enrolled in an on-line bookkeeping class, so I should be productively busy for a while.

My back has healed and as soon as this class is over I can hit the gym again. I need to get back into a routine. (I always say that; it's always true.)

I haven't yet heard whether or not I will get the temporary promotion/assignment to the 911 Center, but rumor has it I am the most qualified for the position. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll get the post, but it's nice to hear that I'm at least the most qualified. At this point, I don't care if I get the position or not. It would just be nice to know.

Back to Rover.... Things are moving along so well. I'm more comfortable with him than ever and feel more in love in a way I never imagined. I know I've said that RacerEx was the love of my life, but I'm beginning to believe that this relationship will surpass any other I've had, if it hasn't already. We really seem in sinc with one another--at least emotionally. He makes me feel so good. I hope I do the same for him. It's so unexpected. I can't get over how far we've come, how much our love has deepened and our relationship has matured. Our rapport suits me perfectly, and we are more committed to one another than ever.

Still, neither of us wants marriage. Me less so than ever. I'm honestly very secure with where I am in my life. I like my autonomy just as I'm sure he likes his.

So I'm good, really, really good.

* * * *
Lupron hasn't really taken effect I think. I am bleeding again, more heavily than ever, soaking thru heavy protection in an hour or less for the last two days. I need to go back to the internet and do more research to see if this is normal in the first month. Otherwise, I need to call my OB/Gyn. Grrrr! Stinks being a woman some times.

Anyhow, that's the low down. Gotta go do some homework. Bye.

From One Day to the Next

Well, I'm out of my emotionless phase. I think.

Conversations with Rover have been a bit strained, as I've been moody. He was saying that it didn't seem as if I wanted to hang out with him, to be around him. That's not exactly true. I've just been feeling isolated and moody and out of sorts, and I just have felt withdrawn into my pain (back) and somewhat flat. I'm sorry to make him feel as if I don't enjoy his company. That's not it at all; I'm just not feeling well and need some space to get back on track.

Back is better today. At least the pain is localized and feels more like muscle soreness than like someone's sticking a hot poker in my sacrum.

Flu's over too. Thank god. I hate stomach flus.

Anyhow, I've been cooking up a storm lately (at least it's a storm for me). I made the most delicious Chicken and Dumplings at work the other day. I'd never had them before and they were fan-frickin'-tastic. Home-made dumplings, too.

My room is a mess, with clothing strewn all over the floor as I'm trying to figure what to pack for Arizona. It's cold there right now, too. Not much warmer than it is here. Funny. It's been pretty darned cold here but I haven't really been wearing my big coat too often. I think it's because there's so little wind.

As RacerEx's grandma Merna used to say, "Any day's a good day that the wind isn't blowing."

How true.

Blank

So I thought I was going to be okay with the whole menopause thing, but I think it is affecting me. I've been a bit out of sorts the last few days--crabby and frustrated by little things. I've also been feeling a bit emotionless. I don't know if that has to do with the Lupron or with the cessation of the Effexor. Why do I always endeavor to make multiple changes at one time? I should have kept up with the Effexor through the course of Lupron. I took one yesterday (Effexor), and think I might keep up a small dose; the problem is I've misplaced my last refill and don't know if the pharmacy will give me another refill before the next one is due. Certainly there must be something they can do for me to tide me over 'til then.

The lack of emotion has been making me feel somewhat isolated and disconnected. I've spent the better part of the week on my own, as Rover and I are on opposite schedules this week, and I like my solitude. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little cramped by Rover. I just need some space. I won't see him again until tomorrow so that should give me time to get back to normal. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow. Until then, I'm enjoying my time and space.

Aside from that, things are pretty good. The flu helped me lose a little weight, flatten my stomach a bit and get me inspired to keep going by eating right. I didn't have any bread at dinner the other night, and I have to make something good to eat for tonight lest I snack the evening away like I did last night.

That's about it.

Flu

So my back has been out, so to speak. Only it hasn't been out in the way I'm used to it going out. Nothing seemed to relieve the stiffness--neither ibuprofen nor ice nor heat. But then yesterday I started with the vomiting and the diarrhea. Perhaps my back thing was viral? Hard to know. Anyhow, I lost 6 pounds in a day and a half, and I'm finally on the mend. And my back feels better. Go figure. Was it just rest or was it this flu thing?

Menopause is great so far. Maybe I should just keep taking the shots. Just kidding. But I'm not moody or anything. Perhaps that has something to do with being off the pill? Could be. Anyhow, I don't think I want to go back on it.

That's all for now.

Take Pause

I had my first Lupron shot last week. Welcome to forced menopause. Thought I'd be crabby, but I'm not. So far, so good.

* * * *
I did something to my back and am home bed bound. I worked two days in a row at the firehouse yesterday and the day before, which didn't help at all. I'm due back tomorrow. Hope it's better then. It's difficult for me to lie around all day long, but I'd better get back to my book... and my ice... and my heating pad. Grrrr!

Reasons

Today as I walked YellowDog around the bird refuge, I felt thankful.

I am thankful that my body is whole, that I have not injured my back over the last two years I spent working the ladder truck.

I am thankful to be returning to the Engine.

I am thankful for Rover, for the love he bestowes on me.

I am thankful for Mom, that she is alive and that we are so close. She is a good friend.

I am thankful for my time off. I have so much of it. I am lucky.

I am thankful for my friends. I have only a few of them, but they are wonderful women.

I am thankful for RacerEx. He was the love of my life, and I am lucky to have experienced that, even if we are no longer together in that way. Some people never experience it. Trite but true: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

That's all.

Begin the Begin

New Year's Day.

I've been feeling the need to start a new blog, and today seems like the right time.

Things are really good with me now. Very steady. Something clicked over the holidays and I feel as if I'm finally on a stable and secure course.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I started a diet a couple of days ago. It's difficult to watch what I eat at the firehouse, especially on days like today when I've been detailed to a different station and the cook has choosen pasta, pasta, and more pasta for lunch and dinner; but in those instances I can just eat less and then get the hell out of the kitchen and away from temptation.

Yesterday at work I did light cardio for an hour while I watched a movie on my laptop. It's a great way to work out. I also started lifting again, lightly. Today I'll do more, since this station has a pretty complete gym.

* * * *
I went home for Christmas. It was a pretty nice holiday. Rover flew down on the 26th and we spent the next five days together. We're doing really, really well. Something changed after the baby talk. He still doesn't want to have children, but it was a discussion which had a big impact on him. For the first time, I really feel as if we're really in sync emotionally. And I think I feel more comfortable with and committed to him.

I look at our relationship: how clandestine its beginning, how rocky it was in 2005, and then how nicely it has blossomed over 2006. I've never been in a relationship that has developed so oddly, and so slowly. I think slow is a good thing.

He told me he wants to be good to me (and he has been), and that he's so sorry about how he has treated me in the past, that he knows he hurt me and that he hates thinking about that.

I still have some creeping doubts, but I am trying to keep them at bay.

* * * *
I have applied for a new post at work. It is a lieutenant's (management) position at the 911 center (desk job) with an 18-month committment. I hope I get it (I think). I have been with the fire department for over 11 years now and there has not been one promotional exam!!! The reason for no exams is all the affirmative action controversy that has taken place over the years and the inability of our union to agree with the civil service commission about the results of any exam. Anyhow, I want a promotion. It's time for me to move along, and if this is the only way I can do it, then it is the only way I can do it. I want change. I'll take it in this form (for now).

* * *
Thus begins 2007. Seems like a decent start to me.