Monday, April 28, 2008

Long Time Coming

Gosh, it's been so long since my last post--more than six months.

Just have been so busy, and haven't felt inspired to write at all.

Things are grooving along.

Rover and I continue together--dating, talking of the future. We're good. I have my moments of doubt and struggle, like lately when I think about how we talked about his moving in and how it just never seems to happen. Put in perspective, we've both been so busy with our promotional exams that there just hasn't been time for consolidating lives and moving stuff. So I wait, somewhat impatiently, wondering if he'll take a proactive stance and bring it up. Somehow, I doubt it, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to push, because I don't see the point of pushing people into doing what they don't really want to do. As I learned from my last marriage (and divorce) forcing something that doesn't come naturally doesn't last.

Work is okay. As I mentioned above, I'm studying for a promotional examination, the first one given in 11 years. I don't know if I'm ready, but we'll see. It's two short weeks away.

I'm good. Stable. Still seeing the HeadShrinker. She helps, I suppose. Helps me find clarity and sometimes words to use when I talk with Rover about important things.

But, as always with me, gloominess looms in the depths of me. It is my condition. A quality I struggle to suppress. Sometimes it takes hold of me and pulls itself up to the surface and takes over, but I am learning to stuff it back down and feel better more quickly.

I think I drink too often and it worries me a bit, but I am not willing, right now, to give it up completely, so I try to keep it in check, playing games with abstention and moderation.

I still volunteer once a week with my "friend" who has ALS. I still do his typing, help him write his memoirs, and, ever so occasionally, act as his confidant and sounding board. Sometimes it is sad to think that he is withering away. Other times, mostly, I am just struck by his self-absorption and marvel that his disease only serves to enable him to be more self-centered. Still, he has love in his life and a fantastic attitude on most days. Spending time with him is like living in an Elizabeth Kubler-Ross book--the five stages of dying and grieving and all that--blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, that's now in a nutshell. Perhaps I'll write again soon if I feel inspired or have the time.

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