Rompin' In the Yard

YellowDog came over for a visit last weekend. It was great to have her. She and RedDog get along beautifully...

They bow and the games begin.

RedDog runs circles around her, literally, and then attacks:

Quickly, he notices Dolly and makes a run for it.YellowDog flips around.

But decides to scratch her back instead.

RedDog licks his chops in satisfaction. Ah, Victory!

* * *

I'm changing stations at work because of the promotion. It was time. I was ready to go last year, but held on for some unknown reason. Now I'll be moving to a different part of town, down near some of the worst projects in the City. Should be a good move, busy, challenging, good fires. I hope I do well, don't let my crew down, learn a lot.

Salute Me

Well, I passed my promotional exam. Did really well, actually--top 8%! Yay me! So I'll get my bugles and a white shield for my helmet.

Sadly, my two study partners did not fare as well. They will probably not get promotions unless the Chief of Department skips over people on the list (which can be done by law as long as they're in a certain score range). I feel especially bad for one of my partners, who is pushing 55 and has 28 years in and will now probably be forced to retire.

But I'm happy for myself.

Weird tho. I sent out an email to friends and family to let them know the results of my exam. Heard back from everyone except my own father. So I wrote him again. And again. No word. Finally, I called him. Yes, he'd gotten my emails, but he's been "really busy" lately. What a frickin' narcissist! Can't he even take 2 minutes to say "congratulations"? I don't know why I'm surprised or perturbed. He always lets me down. My fault, really, for having any expectations, but still, what an ass.

* * * *
I get so much pleasure out of RedDog--even if he's a royal pain in the butt. He gave me a scare recently after eating rat poison... and then after becoming listless and lethargic with a fever of 103 (not related to the rat poison)... but he's all tightened up now and running around like a mad man once again. Problem is, he's gained weight (I'm a bad mother!), and now I've had to put him on a diet to turn him back into the svelte dog his breed is supposed to be. It's difficult because he's such an eater!

Even Rover has melted under the power of his adorableness. Rover, who has never had a pet in his life told me that he took RedDog to bed with him the other night when I wasn't home and slept with him under the covers all night.

He's not much of a morning dog, but I've been forcing him out at 7:00 (in his sweater, of course) to walk with the neighborhood group of dogs/ladies, and he's been loving it. When I first got him, he hated going out in the mornings and would shake and shiver and hang back, but now I think it's because he was sick and feverish and I didn't know it. Now that he's healthy again, he's full of vigor and hardly shivers at all .

This is how he likes to sleep best.


He's pretty funny.

Anyhow, that's my life right now. I've got to go.

New Addition

Meet the newest member of our family. We'll just call him RedDog. He's a Min Pin and all of 9 or 10 pounds.


Here he is attacking his Mallard Duck dolly:


Here's his butt, as he dives into the grass for his ball. He's ruining my lawn.


Here he is sleeping in the sun:


Today RedDog learned about cat poop. Yummy. I was unaware he'd discovered cat poop until this morning as I was getting ready to leave. I was upstairs and heard his collar jingling and jingling and then him running around like a mad man. I crept down the stairs to spy on him and see what mischief he was up to, only to discover him tossing around a piece of cat poop in my living room. Lovely. There's no end to buried cat poop to be discovered in my yard.

Anyhow, he's keeping me busy lately, which is good because Rover and I haven't had a lot of time to spend with one another. We're on opposite shifts and we've both been busy doing sundry other things.

Life is pretty good. Can't complain too much.

Anyhow, just wanted to introduce you to RedDog.

Ciao!

Things Change

David died. That's his real name. Saying it out loud here seems right, respectful.

He's the fellow I volunteered for who had ALS. One minute he was there, the next week he was gone. Just like that. I know he was "dying" but his death was rather sudden, unexpected. I don't really miss him, but I think of him every time I drive pass his exit. I think about his family, his wife, etc. Very sad, but he was ready.

In the near future I will turn my volunteer efforts to the living instead of the dying. There's a mentor program here in town. I'm going to the orientation next week.

* * * *
Rover promoted to Chief. I call him Chief You're-A-Butt. Ha, ha.

* * * *
I enrolled in a French conversation class starting at the end of August. I'd like to be fairly proficient by next September. I think that's a reasonable goal.

* * * *
We talking about getting a dog. I've looked on line at pet rescue places. I might go see a puppy on Thursday if she's still available. No hurry, tho.

* * * *

I remain happy, content. Had a few weeks off recently, a few too many. Without structure I start getting antsy, but now I'm back to the grind, studying for my promotional exam, running around, exercising.

I started rock climbing again with my friend Tri-Pod. He turned 67 yesterday and is still in incredible shape. Nice man. Really like him a lot.

Rabbit and GirlFriday broke up again. Finally. Hopefully, this time for good. She's been unhappy for so long. They've been unhappy. All he wanted to do was swing. She wants more. He's blocked, broken and depressive; she's open and upbeat. She can do better.

Guess that's about it. Life is moving along. Everything is good.

Oh yeah, RacerEx is having a baby (yes, already--even though they've only known each other for a year now). I'm happy for him, I guess. Or indifferent, really. Good sign. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference is what I always say.

Rover and I are good. I recently told him that we don't have to get married if he doesn't want to (and I mean it), but he says he wants to keep me and it's okay. So that's good. I love him. We're good.

All right. Nite now.

And You've Won...A NEW CAR!!!!

Or at least that's how life feels lately: full of good fortune and winnings.

• Rover and I are head-over-heels, disgustingly in love.
• I feel good about my performance on my promotional exam.
• Rover scored in the top 10 on his promotional exam and will be moving up the ladder once again.
• And now, Rover won a 5-day trip to Italy for two! For real.

Can you believe it? Includes round-trip airfare, transfer to/from the airport and 4 nights in a 3*-star hotel in Chioggia Sottomarina (across the bay from and a ferry ride to Venice). I think we're going to go in September or October (or November), depending on the trip restrictions, which I need to find more about.

* * * *

I had a serious discussion with Rover about marriage this weekend. I asked him if he'd thought again about what he'd said about marrying me a couple of weeks ago. He said, no, he hadn't given it any thought. To him, it didn't constitute any kind of life plan. I was disappointed, but told him that I had been thinking about it, that the statement had meant something to me--something tantamount to a proposal.

I could tell that mentally, he had begun to dig his heels in to once again defend his position against marriage, both of us fully aware that our respective positions are in steady opposition to one another. The conversation took on a serious tone, and he began to ask me if I was going to leave him if he didn't marry me. I simply said that I did not want to leave him, that I love him and am very happy with him, that I like "us." But I said that I could not make any promises about tomorrow, implying, I guess, that I might leave if and when I change my mind about staying in a no-marriage relationship.

At some point, he conceded that, perhaps, we could get married, but not this year or next year and probably not the year after that or even the year after that. "In 15 years" was thrown out there. A rather dismal bone, if you ask me. We continued our discussion slowly and quietly, in a well-thought-out sort of way and finally finished, exhausted and drained, our positions still at opposite ends--well, except for that "in 15 years" offer....

We went to bed under a shroud of palpable sadness, not hugging, not kissing. Not angry, either, just sad and heavy. I thought a lot about my own feelings, my own ideas of marriage, the desires I've had recently to be married. I thought about how happy I'd been when Rover had suggested that marriage was a possibility after all and how that knowledge had made me relax a bit and feel more secure with him and how really fucking great and in-love and romantic we've been with one another since that night. I felt a little confused: is it about the person or the concept?

What does marriage mean?

I think it means all those things I thought it meant when I posted about it. That's what it means to me. It means commitment and security--to me.

The next morning, we both woke up quiet. It was a long while before one of us spoke. I don't remember how the conversation began, but essentially it came down to this:

For him, marriage has meant not being able to have the sex life he wants. He has never felt he could make the promise to be faithful to any of the women he's been with.

Until now. He says he can be who he is with me; he can do what he wants and be his true sexual self.

And so he no longer has that obstacle. He said he figured he could not marry me and just wait until I finally leave, but then where would he be? Back in the same place as always, with another woman with whom he cannot be himself and who, s always, will probably leave him once they have the no-marriage discussion. Besides, he said he loves me more than I'll ever know and that he loves his life with me, all of it. And he conceded that marriage does mean something to him.

And so he asked me to marry him. And so I said yes.

We decided to do it in two years time, in 2010, probably in September, when the weather is still nice.

I pleased. In 2010, we'll have been together for 8 years from the get go and 5 years since we started "going steady." I think that's a reasonable and sensible amount of time. God knows, anything could happen between now and then, but I don't think so.

We're good together.

And you know what? He's still happy today (and yesterday) after making his decision. He's still in love with me and doting on me and kissing me spontaneously and telling me I'm beautiful, etc. He's okay with his decision. That's important. Cuz it's never going to work if he feels ramrodded into this situation. I mean, come on, we know he wouldn't have done it on his own, so sure, there's a little bit of ramrodding going on. But I can see that he's good with his decision and that he's happy. Fortunately, he's a solid person and doesn't take these things lightly and wouldn't do something that he's not comfortable doing, so...

Anyhow, that's me.

Life is good.

Deflation

Well, the warm, fuzzy glow of the potential nuptials is fading as doubt seeps back in. There's no proposal coming. It's just not in his nature. I know he meant what he said, and he's not running from the idea, but he's not going to ask me to marry him without my pressing it, and I just don't feel like pressuring someone into marrying me.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

A Day of Thanksgiving

But first, about me... (ha, ha).

Today I took my promotional exam--the first one given to our rank by our department in 11 years.

And I think I did okay. I made some mistakes that I'm aware of. I also probably made some mistakes that I'm unaware of; but, all in all, save for a few moments here and there when I struggled to formulate strategy and words from a frozen, blank brain (so my pencil just had to take over on its own and write out of sheer habit), I think I did well. Maybe even well enough to get the promotion. Yeah. Maybe.

But who knows?

I think my responses and mistakes matched my experience and the amount of time I put into studying, so that seems fair to me. It could go either way. I'm young in my career, probably just a journeyman, but I'm no probie either.

We'll see.

So, anyhow, I'm thankful today for all the people who helped me prepare for the exam: Rover, Fatty, SoberWolf, RamboMan, and MsB-Ball (who just found out she's pregnant, yay). And shout outs to OtherMother for coming in to work for me last night at the last minute. Without you all, I could not have come this far or felt this comfortable.

I called each of them and thanked them.

And dork of all dorks I have become: I actually liked sitting there all damn day long talking about fire scenarios and tactics. I think I might actually miss it. Who knew I was such a "fire jackoff," as they're (we're) called. Okay, "Fire Buff" is a nicer word.... But I'm not really a buff, I'm just a dork.

A tired dork.

But I'm too wired to nap or sit idle, so I'm going to go clean up the dining room, which is strewn with papers and study materials (and eraser dust).

Later.

I'm Getting Married!!!

Well, not technically, but allow me my rare moment of optimistic self-delusion.

Here's the scoop. I've been thinking a lot about getting married lately--did I mention that both RacerX and HotLips got married last month? Not that that has anything to do with it..., well, perhaps a little bit....and Rover and I have been together six years now (can you believe it?!)...

Anyhow, so I've been thinking about where I am and where Rover and I are; and I realized that I actually want to be married, that I like being married. I like the security of it; I like building a life with someone; I like being obligated to and responsible for someone; I like all of it. Marriage means something to me.

The problem is, I'm with someone who doesn't "believe in marriage" and who doesn't want to get married. Knowing that, I've been struggling internally and feeling and acting crabbier and a somewhat distant from Rover. Unsuccessfully, I've been trying to suppress a resentment towards him that keeps seeping into my psyche and making me feel depressed. Resentful because I want something I know he doesn't want and suppressing it as best I can because it's not fair for me to resent something that he's been honest and open about since the get go.

But I still want it. Marriage. To be married. Ideally to Rover. If not, well, I guess to someone else eventually.

And so it hit me: I guess it's going to have to be to someone else.

I've been sitting on that realization for a while now, a week or so, I guess. But the other night, when he was working he told me that because of the heatwave the "natives were restless" and there had been some shootings in his first-alarm area. As we said goodnight on the phone, I said to him, "Please don't get shot out there."

With that, it hit me really hard that if he were to get shot or drop dead for any reason, it would be as if he had never been in my life, that my life would continue on as if we'd never gone out, save for a box of clothes and an empty chest of drawers belonging to him that is sitting in my garage. That's what you get when you're "just dating" someone. You don't get to visit them in the hospital when they're sick without permission from family, you don't get to make medical decisions for them, you don't get surviving spouse benefits. You get nothing. You're just like anyone else.

And that's not what I want from him. From my guy. I want, and it's taken me a long time to be able to admit this, to be taken care of. I want to know that I'm a part of his life and recognized by society as someone who matters, as someone who counts. I want that protection and that power. I want the remnants. I want it all.

And so I told him. Not vaguely, in the roundabout way I've told him in the past. I just said it.

When he asked me last night during a lull in our conversation, "What are you thinking about?"

I said, "I think you should marry me."

And instead of getting defensive or angry or huffy or whatever he's done in the past when we've talked about it....

He wrapped his arms and legs around me, smiled and said, "That doesn't surprise me," and he hugged me even harder and more completely.

And I didn't say anything for a while until he said, "I love you and I want to be with you and I guess I'm just going to have to marry you some day."

And I started to cry and was very happy. And I am.

So I'm not engaged, there's no ring and no date, and he didn't ask me to marry him. But I know him, and he means what he said. So I'm going to savor this moment for now, for a while. Because I need to and I want to. And I believe him and I love him and I'm happy.

Ah Justin,

And how does one get ahold of you? Your blog's defunct and there's no place to post comments. You still working at the university? Still a student there? Still have cats? Still single?

-m

Peanut Butter Cookie Dough

Frozen, that is. I just ate about 12 frozen cookie dough cookies and I feel like I want to vomit.

Gotta get that stuff out of my house. Hate to throw it in the garbage. Perhaps I'll just bake it tomorrow and bring it over to Red's house. Yep. They've got kids. They'll eat it.

Studying coming along. Spent three hours at it today. Not enough, really, but it's something.

I'm hungry now, but too sick to eat. Wonder if I'll wake up starving in the middle of the night.

And I was doing so well.

Long Time Coming

Gosh, it's been so long since my last post--more than six months.

Just have been so busy, and haven't felt inspired to write at all.

Things are grooving along.

Rover and I continue together--dating, talking of the future. We're good. I have my moments of doubt and struggle, like lately when I think about how we talked about his moving in and how it just never seems to happen. Put in perspective, we've both been so busy with our promotional exams that there just hasn't been time for consolidating lives and moving stuff. So I wait, somewhat impatiently, wondering if he'll take a proactive stance and bring it up. Somehow, I doubt it, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to push, because I don't see the point of pushing people into doing what they don't really want to do. As I learned from my last marriage (and divorce) forcing something that doesn't come naturally doesn't last.

Work is okay. As I mentioned above, I'm studying for a promotional examination, the first one given in 11 years. I don't know if I'm ready, but we'll see. It's two short weeks away.

I'm good. Stable. Still seeing the HeadShrinker. She helps, I suppose. Helps me find clarity and sometimes words to use when I talk with Rover about important things.

But, as always with me, gloominess looms in the depths of me. It is my condition. A quality I struggle to suppress. Sometimes it takes hold of me and pulls itself up to the surface and takes over, but I am learning to stuff it back down and feel better more quickly.

I think I drink too often and it worries me a bit, but I am not willing, right now, to give it up completely, so I try to keep it in check, playing games with abstention and moderation.

I still volunteer once a week with my "friend" who has ALS. I still do his typing, help him write his memoirs, and, ever so occasionally, act as his confidant and sounding board. Sometimes it is sad to think that he is withering away. Other times, mostly, I am just struck by his self-absorption and marvel that his disease only serves to enable him to be more self-centered. Still, he has love in his life and a fantastic attitude on most days. Spending time with him is like living in an Elizabeth Kubler-Ross book--the five stages of dying and grieving and all that--blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, that's now in a nutshell. Perhaps I'll write again soon if I feel inspired or have the time.

To Yellowstone & Back Again

Just came home from a quick vacation in Yellowstone. I've been there several times and wanted Rover to see it. What a gorgeous place. It has been such a long time that I've been in the mountains and in the wilderness. At first, as we drove in after our long drive across the Nevada desert and through Idaho, I didn't even notice the beauty of the rivers and meadows as we made our way into the Park and to our hotel. By the next morning, however, as the sun made its way up over the hills and as the rivers began to glisten in the new light, I began to take in the views in a different way. Awesome beauty. The whole park, the whole place is just stunning. What a treat to see the wild animals wandering around peacefully in their element. At one point, and through binoculars, I watched a coyote running across a grassland. It stopped up short and sniffed the ground, turning in circles as it sniffed the grass. Did it lose its prey to a hiding hole in the ground? I'll never know, but it was great fun to watch.

I'm home now, still on vacation, relaxing the best I can during my busy days. I am happy. Content. Loving life. I love Rover more and more each day. Cherish him. And my love is returned by him ten fold. It is still amazing to me that things have turned out this way. Who'd have thunk it, indeed.

Well, I've got to get moving. Time sure passes by quickly.

See ya.

Been A Long Time

Hi Blog. Gosh, it's been such a long time since I've posted. I've thought about it, but I'm so, so busy anymore and I haven't really felt the urge to put my thoughts onto paper.

Life is pretty good. I'm hardly home now, which drives me a little nuts. I've been trying to work some over time when I can, then there's the volunteer stuff with my ALS friend, then there's trips with Rover and god knows what other things. My house is messy. I hate that, but I just don't have the time to keep things organized. It really helps to have the maid come monthly.

* * * * * *

Things with Rover are still going. Unfortunately, I don't quite know how to keep the momentum going in the happiest of fashions. I can be so negative and doom and gloom. Somehow, after all the pain and suffering through my divorce and possibly from the rocky beginnings of this relationship, I've lost faith. I no longer believe in "forever" or even in longevity of relationships (for me), and I've convinced myself things just won't last.

It is therefore no surprise that we've begun bickering and that I am beginning to feel "unhappy" in the relationship. Trouble is, there's nothing wrong with the relationship. Rover's completely awesome, in love, committed. I, however, have been slowly shutting down. I feel disconnected from him and can't even really remember the last time I enjoyed having sex. I certainly can't remember the last time I climaxed with him.

He talks about getting old together, living together, how "you can't leave" and how "he's not going to let me go,"... but I don't believe any of it. When I told him I'd been thinking about marriage, he told me it was out of the question for him and then he began saying, "I'm going to lose you aren't I?" That he would let me go instead of marrying me proves to me that he would let me go. Besides, who am I to marry anyone? We've talked of living together, but we don't. It's not practical and he's never going to give up his place in the City anyway, so.... He says his plan is to remodel the house in Santa Rosa and that we'll live there, but I don't foresee that plan coming to fruition within the next five years, so....

I just don't feel capable of holding a relationship together after a certain point. It's pathetic, really. My max is 7 years, and we're at 5, so this is the natural winding down time.

And I feel it. The lack of excitement, luster. The apathy that is settling in and around my heart and head.

I've convinced myself it will come to an inevitable end.

Self-fulfilling prophesy? Possibly.

So that's why I called Headshrinker for an appointment.

I don't want this relationship to end. It's really a good one. But I need help, because my tools don't work. I need some new tools. I need a new map.

Hellllllllp!

Addictions

Strawberries are in season again. I'm working on a $7.00/day habit. Yum!

Today I started some "volunteer" work with a fellow who used to be my boss. He's just a few years older than I am, and he used to be one of those tall, blonde, good looking guys who seemed to get ahead in life based on his smile. He came down with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) several years ago and is now in a wheelchair. I contacted him through his ALS website/blog a few months back and have been in contact with his sister. Finally, he asked if I would help him manage his email, as he is no longer able to type. So I went over today and helped him answer his mail. He has aged more than normal, but he is still the same guy. I'll help him for a while until.... I don't know. I guess I'll help him until he doesn't need me anymore or until he's dead??? Gosh.

* * *
Life with me remains great. Rover and I are wonderfully happy. Life continues to come together. I am blessed.

That's about it. Just wanted to check in.

The More I Change, The More Things Stay The Same

Haven't been writing (or reading other's posts) lately. Sorry. Just been too busy. Haven't been inspired.

Also, I injured my neck at a fire and my thumb, index and middle fingers of my right hand have been numb for going on six weeks now. Thought I should lay off the typing, as it exacerbates things some.

Just got back from a trip to NYC with Rover, his friends and their three kids. Nice trip, altho it's difficult traveling in a pack of seven. Nonetheless, we had a great time together.

I'm feeling so good anymore. Healthy. I'm definitely not depressed. Haven't been in so long. The periods of melancholy I sometimes feel grow shorter and are farther apart. I am productive. I am thriving.

Work's a bitch tho. I find it a constant source of irritation. At times, it brings me down and chips away at my confidence. But I wear the golden handcuffs willingly, and so I cannot really complain.

Rover and I are fantastic. Better and better with each day. Our love is one I have never known. I have begun to let him in more and more, to give more of myself to him. I have made some great strides where love is concerned. I have been a bit stingy with it in the past. I am doing my best to give back what he is giving me.

And here's a surprise: Rover and I have the healthiest, most mature relationship I've even been in. Very odd considering our shaky beginnings. This year marks our fifth year together and I am more in love with him than ever. I have never experience a love like this one which renews itself over and over and gets better all the time.

That's about it, really. I think about blogging from time to time. I think about you O.K. and hope all is well. I apologize for not reading or writing more often. Justin, I still think about you and hope you are in a better place, that things for you are coming together as they have come together for me. Drop me a line some time.

TTFN.

Fixed Like a Dog

Well, Rover had his vasectomy on Thursday. No more puppies for him. He's been convalescing on my couch for the last 2 days and he's doing well--no complications so far.

We're both looking forward to the days of no birth control.

Meanwhile, his being laid out on my couch had given me the opportunity to get some things done around the house. Yesterday I tended to my much-neglected back yard, pulling weeds and turning the soil. The new tidiness of it has inspired me to get some plants in the ground this year instead of letting the plot remain empty. I haven't been tending to it, because we were going to build a small sitting wall, but it doesn't really look as if that's going to happen any time soon. Besides, if I'm going to rent the house out when I move in with Rover, it makes little sense to pour money into hardscaping when I can just put in some large containers as well as stuff on the ground. Rover also suggested I put some hanging pots on the posts we put in last year; a fine idea. I have a couple of picutes from some magazines on what kinds of plants I'd like. I just have to find them and put them in the ground.

* * * *
My birthday's coming up on Thursday. 41. Wows. Moving right along, aren't I.

Aside from that, nothing new to report. Gotta get going. Lost an hour last night and it's getting late.

Plumb Tuckered

I'm having a difficult time recovering from the two fires I went two over the last couple of shifts. I worked two in a row and had two fires in a row--not so common now-a-days. I was fine after the first one, even though I was working from before 6 a.m. until at least 11:30 a.m.; but the second one, which came in at 1:45 in the morning and kept us up and shoveling garbage until well after 4:00, knocked me out.

I had one day off in between and then went back to work yesterday. I slept most of my day off, had a nap at work yesterday and slept most of the night. However, while I awoke at the firehouse at 6:30 this morning feeling okay, by the time I got home I was dragging and just got up from a three-hour nap.

Still don't feel much better. And my hands are aching something fierce!

I need some good food or something. We're supposed to go out and have a drink tonite, but I don't think it's such a good idea. I'm just getting old I guess and don't recover like I used to. Who knows. I've been working a lot lately, perhaps that has something to do with it.

That's it for now. I have to get going.

I Come From Alabama

Just got back from an all-expense-paid week in Alabama, compliments of our Federal Government. I took an Emergency Incident Management Systems class. It was dry but interesting. Can't say much for what I saw of Alabama, however, not that I saw much.

* * * *
Life is good. Stable. Calm.

I'm back into a groove: taking classes again, working some overtime, exercising with consistency, feeling present and able to concentrate.

* * * *
Menopause is treating me very well. Absolutely no mood swings. That's the most important element. Unfortunately, my libido leave something to be desired, and then there are the hot flashes.

Hot flashes. My god! For anyone who knows what I'm talking about, imagine what it's like to have a hot flash while wearing full fire-fighting bunker gear--which is already like wearing a blanket--with gloves, a hood which fits closely around one's neck and over one's head and then a helmet. Talk about heat exhaustion! For those of you who can't imagine, consider yourselves lucky.

* * * *
Rover has begun renovations on his rental property. His aim is to have it finished in three to four years. He has asked me to come live with him. He has also stated that at some point in time before he retires we should become domestic partners so I'm entitled to collect part of his pension after he dies.

He says he's in this for the long haul. Last night he promised he'd never break my heart.

It makes me happy to hear him talk like that. Still, I remain skeptical. I don't believe or trust much in the future or in promises such as his. I've just been through it too many times to have that kind of faith. But his sentiments are lovely and for now we can go through the motions of planning for a future together. I will continue to live my life for today, not for tomorrow. I can't do that anymore. After divorcing RacerEx, after all the hurt and depression, after the struggle and sadness of coming up with Rover, I am a little damaged, a little wary. I am not bitter. Like I said, I just don't believe anymore.

Anyhow, off to Starbucks.

Hummin'

It's all roses. That's all I have to say.

Jolly Holiday

Well, I had a roaring good time with Rover and the Pig in Arizona! We went to the Barrett Jackson car auction, drank, ate, swam, hot tubbed, etc. On the last night, we went clubbing. Rover and I danced several dances, and we all drank just a tad bit too much, but it was all in good fun. We took a cab back to the hotel, where Rover and I fooled around like teenagers while the Pig passed out and snored like a freight train in the next bed. Really, it was a great trip.

I'm really happy right now. Extremely happy with Rover. Very content with my life in general.

Today, and all week, I am taking a fire-related course, and then I have at least one or more scheduled each month for the next four months. I've also enrolled in an on-line bookkeeping class, so I should be productively busy for a while.

My back has healed and as soon as this class is over I can hit the gym again. I need to get back into a routine. (I always say that; it's always true.)

I haven't yet heard whether or not I will get the temporary promotion/assignment to the 911 Center, but rumor has it I am the most qualified for the position. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll get the post, but it's nice to hear that I'm at least the most qualified. At this point, I don't care if I get the position or not. It would just be nice to know.

Back to Rover.... Things are moving along so well. I'm more comfortable with him than ever and feel more in love in a way I never imagined. I know I've said that RacerEx was the love of my life, but I'm beginning to believe that this relationship will surpass any other I've had, if it hasn't already. We really seem in sinc with one another--at least emotionally. He makes me feel so good. I hope I do the same for him. It's so unexpected. I can't get over how far we've come, how much our love has deepened and our relationship has matured. Our rapport suits me perfectly, and we are more committed to one another than ever.

Still, neither of us wants marriage. Me less so than ever. I'm honestly very secure with where I am in my life. I like my autonomy just as I'm sure he likes his.

So I'm good, really, really good.

* * * *
Lupron hasn't really taken effect I think. I am bleeding again, more heavily than ever, soaking thru heavy protection in an hour or less for the last two days. I need to go back to the internet and do more research to see if this is normal in the first month. Otherwise, I need to call my OB/Gyn. Grrrr! Stinks being a woman some times.

Anyhow, that's the low down. Gotta go do some homework. Bye.

From One Day to the Next

Well, I'm out of my emotionless phase. I think.

Conversations with Rover have been a bit strained, as I've been moody. He was saying that it didn't seem as if I wanted to hang out with him, to be around him. That's not exactly true. I've just been feeling isolated and moody and out of sorts, and I just have felt withdrawn into my pain (back) and somewhat flat. I'm sorry to make him feel as if I don't enjoy his company. That's not it at all; I'm just not feeling well and need some space to get back on track.

Back is better today. At least the pain is localized and feels more like muscle soreness than like someone's sticking a hot poker in my sacrum.

Flu's over too. Thank god. I hate stomach flus.

Anyhow, I've been cooking up a storm lately (at least it's a storm for me). I made the most delicious Chicken and Dumplings at work the other day. I'd never had them before and they were fan-frickin'-tastic. Home-made dumplings, too.

My room is a mess, with clothing strewn all over the floor as I'm trying to figure what to pack for Arizona. It's cold there right now, too. Not much warmer than it is here. Funny. It's been pretty darned cold here but I haven't really been wearing my big coat too often. I think it's because there's so little wind.

As RacerEx's grandma Merna used to say, "Any day's a good day that the wind isn't blowing."

How true.

Blank

So I thought I was going to be okay with the whole menopause thing, but I think it is affecting me. I've been a bit out of sorts the last few days--crabby and frustrated by little things. I've also been feeling a bit emotionless. I don't know if that has to do with the Lupron or with the cessation of the Effexor. Why do I always endeavor to make multiple changes at one time? I should have kept up with the Effexor through the course of Lupron. I took one yesterday (Effexor), and think I might keep up a small dose; the problem is I've misplaced my last refill and don't know if the pharmacy will give me another refill before the next one is due. Certainly there must be something they can do for me to tide me over 'til then.

The lack of emotion has been making me feel somewhat isolated and disconnected. I've spent the better part of the week on my own, as Rover and I are on opposite schedules this week, and I like my solitude. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little cramped by Rover. I just need some space. I won't see him again until tomorrow so that should give me time to get back to normal. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow. Until then, I'm enjoying my time and space.

Aside from that, things are pretty good. The flu helped me lose a little weight, flatten my stomach a bit and get me inspired to keep going by eating right. I didn't have any bread at dinner the other night, and I have to make something good to eat for tonight lest I snack the evening away like I did last night.

That's about it.

Flu

So my back has been out, so to speak. Only it hasn't been out in the way I'm used to it going out. Nothing seemed to relieve the stiffness--neither ibuprofen nor ice nor heat. But then yesterday I started with the vomiting and the diarrhea. Perhaps my back thing was viral? Hard to know. Anyhow, I lost 6 pounds in a day and a half, and I'm finally on the mend. And my back feels better. Go figure. Was it just rest or was it this flu thing?

Menopause is great so far. Maybe I should just keep taking the shots. Just kidding. But I'm not moody or anything. Perhaps that has something to do with being off the pill? Could be. Anyhow, I don't think I want to go back on it.

That's all for now.

Take Pause

I had my first Lupron shot last week. Welcome to forced menopause. Thought I'd be crabby, but I'm not. So far, so good.

* * * *
I did something to my back and am home bed bound. I worked two days in a row at the firehouse yesterday and the day before, which didn't help at all. I'm due back tomorrow. Hope it's better then. It's difficult for me to lie around all day long, but I'd better get back to my book... and my ice... and my heating pad. Grrrr!

Reasons

Today as I walked YellowDog around the bird refuge, I felt thankful.

I am thankful that my body is whole, that I have not injured my back over the last two years I spent working the ladder truck.

I am thankful to be returning to the Engine.

I am thankful for Rover, for the love he bestowes on me.

I am thankful for Mom, that she is alive and that we are so close. She is a good friend.

I am thankful for my time off. I have so much of it. I am lucky.

I am thankful for my friends. I have only a few of them, but they are wonderful women.

I am thankful for RacerEx. He was the love of my life, and I am lucky to have experienced that, even if we are no longer together in that way. Some people never experience it. Trite but true: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

That's all.

Begin the Begin

New Year's Day.

I've been feeling the need to start a new blog, and today seems like the right time.

Things are really good with me now. Very steady. Something clicked over the holidays and I feel as if I'm finally on a stable and secure course.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I started a diet a couple of days ago. It's difficult to watch what I eat at the firehouse, especially on days like today when I've been detailed to a different station and the cook has choosen pasta, pasta, and more pasta for lunch and dinner; but in those instances I can just eat less and then get the hell out of the kitchen and away from temptation.

Yesterday at work I did light cardio for an hour while I watched a movie on my laptop. It's a great way to work out. I also started lifting again, lightly. Today I'll do more, since this station has a pretty complete gym.

* * * *
I went home for Christmas. It was a pretty nice holiday. Rover flew down on the 26th and we spent the next five days together. We're doing really, really well. Something changed after the baby talk. He still doesn't want to have children, but it was a discussion which had a big impact on him. For the first time, I really feel as if we're really in sync emotionally. And I think I feel more comfortable with and committed to him.

I look at our relationship: how clandestine its beginning, how rocky it was in 2005, and then how nicely it has blossomed over 2006. I've never been in a relationship that has developed so oddly, and so slowly. I think slow is a good thing.

He told me he wants to be good to me (and he has been), and that he's so sorry about how he has treated me in the past, that he knows he hurt me and that he hates thinking about that.

I still have some creeping doubts, but I am trying to keep them at bay.

* * * *
I have applied for a new post at work. It is a lieutenant's (management) position at the 911 center (desk job) with an 18-month committment. I hope I get it (I think). I have been with the fire department for over 11 years now and there has not been one promotional exam!!! The reason for no exams is all the affirmative action controversy that has taken place over the years and the inability of our union to agree with the civil service commission about the results of any exam. Anyhow, I want a promotion. It's time for me to move along, and if this is the only way I can do it, then it is the only way I can do it. I want change. I'll take it in this form (for now).

* * *
Thus begins 2007. Seems like a decent start to me.